Constantly Blown Away

I am really good at finding excuses to not make art. Like I should be given a medal kind of good, which is why I am so amazed by how prolific certain artists I follow are in terms of production. I procrasti-clean, procrasti-cook, procrasti-go-to-bed-early and even procrasti-grocery shop. In my head I need a time slot of minimum 4 hours to make any headway into a piece, and otherwise it isn’t even worth it, which is probably why I consistently fall short of my intended 20+ hours a week of studio time. Work/life balance is so far down on my list of marketable skills that I really don’t understand how people can work a paying job for enough hours a week to feed themselves healthy things (which also take time to prepare) plus exercise??? When does anyone relax? Or sleep? Or fold laundry??? I have seriously considered throwing out all of my clothes and buying 5 of the same outfit just to give myself a few extra hours a week to focus on my painting goals.

I have trouble understanding whether I am trying to take on too much or if I just need to form better habits in terms of distractions in my environment. I’ve so far fruitlessly tried to convince my partner that we need to throw away his television so that I’m not tempted to sit down on the couch after work and Netflix binge until I fall asleep in a pile of Cheetos or pizza crumbs at 8 o’clock after drinking one beer.

I don’t know that lacking motivation like this is a consistent problem or only one that sets in after about 30 hours of working on a really large piece… I’m always excited and inspired in the beginning and I don’t really need to force myself to get into the studio. Right now in the piece that I’m working on, there are already so many good parts that I might be a little afraid to fuck it up… like the painting is already alive and I don’t want to betray it by not fully calling it into being, if that makes sense.

Anyway, this is my shout out into the abyss- if you have any helpful words, please shout back.